This is an exploration of gender and the existence of humans in this world, in different societal contexts.

The other day I watched a YouTube video about a person’s thoughts on their own gender identity and how they react, absorb, and ultimately respond to criticism of them and how they choose to see and identify themselves to the self and share their identity with others.

This is my response to that video and how it made me feel and expound on my own journey with gender and relating to others around me:

I appreciate your explanation that although your gender identity is different to the sex/gender you were assigned at birth, it doesn’t mean you’re not respectful of females that identify as women. I have also been struggling to define this for myself as someone who has fluctuated from cis to agender to non-binary to demigirl and am in a state of flux still. And this struggle has had me questioning if I’m just rejecting the woman label because of the misogyny that exists in the world and finding more freedom in my current identity (although it has been changing and evolving). If anything, I think I am way more in tune and there to fight for the equality of women in society but it is true that self-identifying not as a woman, simply adds more depth to who I am and how I feel personally about myself. And this has nothing to do with or is meant as an offense to women in the world at large. I think there’s space for everybody, and space for nuance in humans and I will continue being myself and evolving however life wants me to, and I will not stop fighting for women, femmes, and anyone who presents feminine and is seen as such by others, especially men in this world. Things may be getting better but the world still has a long way to go to accept all people as equal and worthy of respect, and by identifying outside of the gender binary, I now think it’s a rebellion and a sign of liberation for the individual. So keep being your true self and inspiring others to be accepting of all humans, no matter how they look on the outside or feel on the inside.

My exploration of gender, and how I feel about my own identity and am able to explain it to myself and to others has flared up again these last few weeks after lying dormant for a while.

I have been experiencing shifts in my gender identity since early last year and in some ways it was a toxic experience and also a liberating one.

Initially, I felt a freedom in shedding my gender identity and not identifying as a woman because I realised I don’t really feel like one. Yes, I have the body parts and from the outside look like one, but for so long, I never fully connected with being one.
Looking back at how I chose to go about this transition, however, I’m not happy that I was mentally peer pressured by the environment I was in, and although at the time, it was my choice to visibly change my appearance and the way I would express things, it turned out to be more of a coping mechanism for me to feel there’s hope of acceptance and like I’m able to survive my daily grind. As time went on, my sense of acceptance by others didn’t change and my true self, my spirit, was losing its light and true colours.
Towards the end of my time in that space, I couldn’t take it anymore and let out one more gasp for air before falling into the depths and rising up again to reclaim myself and my power.

After that time, and months of work to build myself up again and connect to who I am, what I deserve, and the strengths I have to give to this world, and in what capacity, I have reconnected with my feminine and the wild, funny, sensible, cute, kind, intelligent, and curious blobby blob that I am.

I know life will keep me learning, keep me evolving, and I’m proud of myself for reclaiming myself and the fact that it’s only me who can define me and who I am.
The world can see me and treat me in any way it likes, it’s none of my business. But I stand tall in my power to set my boundaries, give back what I think is fair, and mould myself as I see fit.
This is just the beginning. My life will be wonderful, even if you think it should be different or that I should be different.

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